My Diva Demands

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         This week I've been researching what it takes to be a really obnoxious diva.   What with the way people become famous for nothing these days, you just never know when it might happen to you.  I, for one, plan to be prepared.

         The first thing any self-respecting diva needs is a large entourage.

         Madonna's most recent tour required an entourage of 200.   Now, I'm not going to try and out-diva Madonna.  I'm more aiming for an average between, say, Celine Dione, J. Lo., and Mariah.  

         I think a modest 50-70 people to do my bidding is a good start.


          A good diva needs a whole army of aides, personal assistants, secretary's, yes-men, handlers, and hangers-on.  The point seems to be to think of everything you might ever need to do...no matter how small the task...then hire a specialist to do that for you.  (Ex.'s Oprah has a 'Bra-handler', and Mariah has someone whose job it is to apply breast tape to keep her from falling out of all those low-cut gowns.)

      

         Bodyguards, of course, are a must.  They will be needed to fend off all the people jealous of me for making millions in celebrity endorsements.  Having a lot of bodyguards also helps with your public image.  The more bodyguards you have, the more famous you appear, which then leads to more celebrity-type opportunities.  (Personally, I'm hoping they'll bring back Circus of the Stars, and guest spots on Fantasy Island and Love Boat.  That's some fame I can really get into.)

         I'll need a hair dresser, of course.  (I have always thought this would be a good idea...even back when I was a no-entourage-owning-nobody.)  Naturally, I'll get a team of stylists to shop for me.  They'll also be required to haul my ginormous designer wardrobe around everywhere I go.  They will be there to iron, mend, adjust, and help me get dressed.  (Important:  To be a successful diva you must spontaneously forget how to do anything for yourself.)  

         A personal chef is crucial.  When I become a lacto-ovo-macrobiotic-gluten-free-organic-pie-etarian I'll need someone to figure out what the heck I can eat.   This is also someone I can pitch a fit to when my broccoli isn't locally grown, or my pie touches my salad. (Research shows divas must acquire truly nutty food preferences...not to mention a vindictive nature.)

         It goes without saying, for people who know me well, that a Pie-scout will be a trusted member of my team.

        This, in turn, leads me to my fitness staff.  I'll need my yoga and pilates instructors, and my personal trainer to work off all the pie the pie-scout finds for me to eat.

         After workouts I'll need my own massage therapist...Sven.

         Having my own spiritual guru, therapist, and acupuncturist on call couldn't hurt either.  

         Being driven around in limos is a big part of a diva's day.  All the really big stars have very strict requirements for their drivers.  As a novice diva, I would have thought these requirements involved a license and a safe driving record.  But, it's so much more than that!

         I read that Kanye West wants his drivers to wear only 100% cotton.  Katy Perry went so far as to prepare a 23-point principle driver policy.  This document contains all her rules for proper driver behavior.  (Ex.'s  -Driver must not converse with Perry.  -Driver must not stare at the backseat through the rearview mirror.)  

         Did you know that most celebrities now have a Social Media Expert?  Can you imagine that I might become so famous and so busy that I would no longer want to drone on endlessly on Facebook?  Apparently, it happens.  A good diva will have 'ghost tweeters', and 'Facebook fan page coordinators' to do their time-wasting for them.     

         A substantial portion of my entourage will, obviously, be there to take care of our cat, Ella.  (The first diva in the family.)  It's been widely-reported that she has never been happy with just Michael and I to fawn over her.  Now with our busy lecture tours, Hollywood parties, and talk show appearances, Ella will feel even more neglected and mistreated.  We'll start out dedicating 7 entourage members as 'Cat Staff' and see where it goes from there.

         Which reminds me of how important my agent, and P.R. team, are to my ongoing success as a diva.  When I hold press conferences to launch my new line of luggage, cologne, Planet Pie restaurant chain openings, etc...good P.R. will be a must.  

        My P.R. person will also be super-helpful when I get the inevitable arrests for bad behavior.  It'll be their job to explain why I trashed the hotel ("Ms. Stewart was very clear with hotel management that she did not want any caffeinated coffee within 300 yards of her...and there was a pack in her suite!")   Or if questions are raised as to why I threw a latte in the face of one of my assistants.  ("Hazelnut syrup is very important to our client, and this assistant willfully, and maliciously, neglected to request it.")

         I got a little stuck for ideas after a measly 40-ish minions, so I took a little time to read about the roles performed by members of other celebrity entourages:

         Most divas are big into having people standing off stage ready to wipe the sweat from their brow, hold a Diet Coke, a slice of pizza, or place a piece of gum in their mouths.  Successful divas sometimes pay people to, physically, carry them around so that their elaborate costumes don't get wrinkled.  One member of the entourage for rapper, Ludacris, was asked what he does.  He said:  "I do the Game Boy batteries."  

         Specialization is essential!

         Since I travel so much, and work a lot of odd hours, I already, completely, understand why Rod Stewart needs a Room-Darkening Team.  Their job is to check his hotel rooms for any cracks around curtains or doors, then seal them up so he can enjoy his afternoon nap in peace and comfort.  

         This made me think of how maids in hotels like to vacuum the halls in the afternoon, never seeming to think some people might have to get some winks then to be ready for work that night.  They're always banging the vacuum up against the room door...ya know, the door where the 'Do Not Disturb' sign hangs.  Sometimes they'll knock on your door to ask if you need anything, or if you're going to check out soon, or if you really did mean to have your 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door after all. 

         I'd better hire some extra bodyguards to stand outside my room and shoo people off my floor.

         Mariah Carey was absolutely invaluable in the 'finding more things I need minions for' arena.  She has got the diva gig down!

         I read that she has two people to make sure she looks good when she's seated, one person to walk backwards in front of her to make sure she doesn't trip on her stilettos, and a person to carry her luxury toilet paper.  (Note:  Look into brand names and sourcing for this product.)   She has someone to make sure she's being filmed at the right angle and, (This one is just genius!):  "a petite Columbian woman" to make sure her long skirts don't touch the floor.

          The ability to come up with extra-peculiar jobs for your entourage members really separates a true diva from the wannabes.

         I'm guessing there's a reason why in every mention of this particular helper she was referred to exactly as "a petite Columbian woman".  That must have been what Mariah's P.R. person said at the press conference.  It's like they are pointing out that the woman is very close to the ground already...so really it's no bother to grab a wayward skirt while she's down there.  

         Sure, at first glance, it sounds a little over-the-top to hire someone solely to make sure your long skirts don't touch the floor.  But, when you think about it..., if you're a diva, people are going to be looking at you.  You want to look your best.  

         After all, nobody wants to be the only diva on the red carpet with dirt on her hemline.


Any other suggestions for how to fill-in my entourage?  What additional staff would you need?